


stop texting me

by orphan_account



Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: M/M, Texting, Wrong Number AU, spoiler alert theyre gonna fall in love, text fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-19
Updated: 2017-08-17
Packaged: 2018-11-02 08:54:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 17,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10941132
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: simon texts the wrong number, and then he keeps texting the wrong  number





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> simon → normal  
> baz → italics  
> penelope → bold  
> agatha → underlined

Tuesday PM

(3:12) literally what the fuck u said u'd pick me up??

(3:12) i had to walk home

(3:29) i _know this isn't meant for me because i would never offer to do that_

(3:32) shit my bad wrong number lmao

(3:32) new phone n all

(3:32) also no offense but that makes u sound rly stuck up

(3:35) _why are you still texting me?_

(3:36) RUDE???

(3:36) i rly am having such an eventful day

(3:38) _it's eventful because someone forgot about your existence and then a stranger was mean to you? that's really sad_

(3:39) ok first of all

(3:39) ur an asshole

(3:42) _second of all .... ?_

(3:43) no thats it

(3:45) _noted then_

(3:46) next time u have to pay for my helpful commentary

(3:46) _i'll pay you to stop texting me_

(3:48) thats so insulting

(3:48) but also how much r we talking

(3:51) _a pound_

(3:52) ouch is that how much im worth

(3:52) _you're probably worth less but i'm a generous person_

(3:56) asshole

(3:57) _we already established that? like, 15 minutes ago? is your memory okay?_

(3:57) i came out to have a good time n im honestly feeling so attacked rn

(3:57) _good_

(10:22) just so u know she was at the library

(10:49) _....what?_

(10:53) the person who was supposed to pick me up

(10:53) she was at the library

(10:53) so you know.. she got carried away studying

(10:54) cuz shes a nerd

(10:54) _yeah i got it_

(10:54) _no idea why you thought it was important to mention this to me, but okay_

(10:56) because

(10:56) _because?_

(10:59) shut up

(10:59) _someone's feeling articulate tonight_

(11:05) GOODNIGHT

(11:09) i can see u read the text n didnt say goodnight back which is disrespecful

(11:12) u read that one too

(11:17) ......

(11:17) asshole

 

Wednesday AM

(7:20) do you think she'll forget to give me a ride today too

(7:20) ill give u an update later

(8:03) _don't_

(8:03) _i really hope she forgets, though_

(8:58) asshole

(9:12) _if i had a pound for every time you said that, i could probably actually pay you to stop texting me_

Wednesday PM

(3:49) SHE DIDNT FORGET FUCK YIU

(3:56) _the things that make you happy are so sad this is tragic_

(3:58) shut up u lost

(3:58) ... loser

(4:02) _i'd think the loser here would be the one celebrating someone remembering them for once but alright_

(4:03) i cant read suddenly i dont know

(4:03) _you knew how to read before? amazing_

(4:04) WHAT THE HELL

(4:04) ENOUGHB. OF THIS BULLYIGN??

(4:04) _no, its fun_

(4:05) oh so u Like™ texting me ;)

(4:05) _oh so you DONT know how to read_

(4:05) _i knew it was too good to be true_

(4:07) U SAID ITS FUN

(4:08) _i said bullying you is fun_

(4:08) _keep up_

(4:10) no comment

(4:10) _that's a first_

(4:14) fuck off

 

(11:23) do you think if i broke my leg i'd still have to go to school

(11:23) cuz i know its wild but

(11:23) kinda rly tempted rn

(11:23) i could just ;) u know ;)

(11:23) fall off my bed ;) accidentally ;)

(11:25) _1\. stop texting me i have a test first period tomorrow_

(11:25) _2\. that wouldn't break your leg you dolt_

(11:25) _3\. do it anyway_

(11:26) wow never thought u'd actually support me thank u so much

(11:29) have u studied for ur test

(11:30) _no_

(11:30) so like... u want to fail??

(11:30) _dont be thick im gonna get a full mark_

(11:30) without studying

(11:31) _without studying_

(11:31) cant tell if ur being sarcastic or if ur a genius

(11:31) _genius_

(11:32) someones humble

(11:32) _humility is absurd and pointless_

(11:32) _whats the point of being good at something if no one knows you're good at it_

(11:33) u make a

(11:33) terrible point

(11:33) anyway ill let u go to sleep so u dont doze off during ur test

(11:38) oh

(11:38) goodnight

(11:38) ok maybe ill get a goodnight reply tomorrow

(11:40) _don't text me tomorrow_

(11:40) i cant read sorry

(11:40) _i hope you die in your sleep_

Thursday AM

(7:32) well well well

(7:32) look whos still alive

(7:49) _who?_

(7:50) i

(7:50) me

(7:50) was that not clear

(7:50) _lmao_

(7:50) oh ur makingn fun of me

(7:50) its too early for this

(7:52) _just thought i'd let you know that your typos disgust me_

(7:52) just thought id let u knwo i didnt ask for ur opinion

(7:56) _just thought i'd let you know i give exactly zero shits whether or not you asked for my opinion_

(7:57) JUST THOUGGT ID LET YOU KNOW ITS TOO EARLY FOR U TO BE THSI MEAN

(7:57) ok first periods startinng gtg

(7:57) we will continue this later

(7:58) _let's not_

(8:05) oh!!!!!!!!! tell me how ur test goes

(8:05) lemme put my phone away before my teacher confiscates it

 

(9:29) i forgot to check up but cmon give me some good news 

(9:29) im texting u in class im risking my PHONE for this im risking my LIFE

(9:30) but also i think my teachers asleep

(9:30) hes so funny all he does is sleep n yell

(9:30) o no hes me

(9:30) _incorrect_

(9:30) _you also text strangers who keep telling you to piss off_

(9:31) .....

(9:31) ANYWAY

(9:34) _stop texting me i actually care about my academic career_

(9:34) lol academic career

(9:34) why does that sound so fancy

(9:34) but also ok we will catch up later !!!

(9:36) _i will set my fucking phone on fire_

(9:37) ok drama queen

 

(3:51) hey i got a ride today too

(3:51) i feel like i need to tell u this everyday

(3:58) _i can tell_

(3:59) also i jsut realized i know nothing abt u

(4:03) _because i'm a stranger? who you will not leave alone?_

(4:04) HEY DONT ACT LIKE U CANT BLOCK MY NUMBER AT ANY GIVEN MOMENT

(4:04) _it's saddening how i need to block you to get you to leave me alone_

(4:04) _where is your self control_

(4:07) idk i lost it along the years

(4:07) so anyway how old r u

(4:08) oh my god what if ive been texting a 50 yr old this whole time

(4:08) or worse

(4:08) a twelve year old

(4:10) _you really aren't scared to double text, are you?_

(4:10) _also none of your business_

(4:12) wtf

(4:12) im not asking for ur social security number im asking for ur age

(4:15) _i know_

(4:15) _i can actually read_

(4:16) _unlike some people_

(4:17) dick

(4:17) ok ill start

(4:17) im 17

(4:23) im waiting

(4:25) _for what?_

(4:26) for ur age .. pls

(4:26) i jsut need to kno this isnt weird

(4:26) _what's 'this'?_

(4:28) um

(4:28) friends maybe

(4:31) _thats_

(4:31) _......_

(4:31) _literally the grossest thing you've said to me so far and that's saying something_

(4:34) SHDGDJSJSO I ACTUALYL THOUGHT U WERE GONAN BE NICE FOR ONCE WE COUPDVE HAD A REAL MOMENT U LITERLALY RUINED IT

(4:36) _seventeen_

(4:37) wow

(4:37) i didnt even beg for that long u just told me

(4:37) give me a sec so i can go mark this day on my calendar

(4:38) kind of a relief to kno i havent been chatting with a 12 yr old

(4:40) _that's rich coming from someone with the mentality of an actual eleven year old_

(4:41) asshole

(4:41) so anyway r u like.... a boy.. girl... other..

(4:41) cuz in my mind ur just like a body made of smoke

(4:43) _how many questions are we asking today, exactly?_

(4:44) jsut like about uh

(4:44) maybe a couple hundred

(4:44) a few even

(4:46) do i have to start again

(4:47) _god you're annoying_

(4:47) :)

(4:47) _guy_

(4:49) ok

(4:49) me too

(4:49) same age n gender wow what if im talking to myself from like another world

(4:50) _i've never ever spoken to anyone as idiotic as you_

(4:54) so im special

(4:56) _wow you really have no idea how to read_

(4:56) _what do they teach you at school_

(4:57) idk im zoning out 80% of the time

(4:58) _explains a lot_

(5:35) **hey who do you keep texting at school**

(5:35) **thought it was agatha but she says she hasnt talked to you all day?**

(5:36) that is so offensive i have other friends

(5:36) **ok... that sounds fake but ok**

(5:36) i do!!!!!!!

(5:37) **ok!!!!!!**

(5:37) **is it a girl you like is that why you dont want to tell me**

(5:37) **i wont tell agathaaaaa**

(5:39) shut upppppppp

(5:39) n no its not

(5:39) agatha wouldnt care anyway

(5:39) i told u its not like that anymore

(5:44) **mhmmmmmmm**

(5:45) dont mhmmmmmm me

(5:46) **MHMMMMMMM**

(5:47) i have literally no idea how people think ur not an actual child

(5:48) **i'm a good actress**

(5:48) **and i wear glasses so everyone thinks im smart**

(5:50) u ARE smart

(5:51) **tru**

(5:51) humility at its finest

(5:52) **stop distracting me who is it**

(5:52) ur gonna yell at me

(5:52) **will not**

(5:52) will too

(5:52) **will not**

(5:52) will too

(5:53) **will not**

(5:53) will too

(5:53) **will NOT**

(5:53) will TOO

(5:53) **SIMON**

(5:53) FINE

(5:53) damn im weak

(5:56) **i'm waiting**

(5:56) so i was trying to text u to yell at u for forgetting to pick me up on tuesday

(5:56) **heh sorry again**

(5:56) n then i texted the wrong number

(5:58) **ok??**

(5:58) n then i kept texting the wrong number

(5:58) **SIMON????????**

(5:58) I TOLD U UR GONNA YELL AT ME

(5:59) **BECAUSE STRANGER DANGER??? YOURE GOING TO GET YOURSELF KILLED???? AND IM YOUR BEST FRIEND SO YOURE GOING TO GET ME KILLED?**

(6:00) **I STILL HAVENT ACHIEVED ANYTHING IMPORTANT MUMS GOING TO BE SO DISAPPOINTED IF I DIE**

(6:00) HES NOT GONNA KILL ME

(6:01) actually on second thought

(6:01) maybe

(6:01) **ok brb i need to go write you out of my will**

(6:01) **all my belongings go to my family and agatha and micah now**

(6:02) hes funny

(6:02) **oh okay that makes it okay**

(6:03) i hate you

(6:04) **no you dont**

(6:04) no i dont

 

(8:20) u never told me how u did on ur test

(8:32) _fine_

(8:34) someones feeling articulate tonight

(8:35) _did you just use my own words against me_

(8:36) i did

(8:36) are u impressed are u proud

(8:36) _what_

(8:36) _no_

(8:36) _it's sad that you think that's impressive_

(8:38) everything i do is sad to u

(8:38) _what can i say, you're a sad being_

(8:39) which arctic monkeys song is that

(8:40) _the one thats all over tumblr_

(8:40) THATS ALL OF THEM

(8:52) so whats my name on ur phone

(8:56) _why would you assume i have your number saved_

(8:57) OUCH

(8:57) CUZ I HAVE UR NUMBER SAVED?

(8:58) n now im not telling u what ur name is

(8:59) _i don't really want to know_

(9:00) too bad

(9:00) guess

(9:01) _asshole_

(9:01) LMAOOSJOOO

(9:01) SPOT ON

(9:04) i am ordering u to save my number

(9:05) _you're ordering me_

(9:05) yes

(9:06) n i am ordering u to name me

(9:06) i cant think of anything ur the genius u choose

(9:06) it better be cool

(9:08) _alright done_

(9:09) :o

(9:09) i feel like ur lying

(9:09) show me

(9:10) _Image sent._

(9:10) _there_

(9:12) i say name me smthn cool n u put idiot instead thats real nice

(9:15) _you have me saved as asshole_

(9:17) cuz ur an asshole!!!!!

(9:18) _and you are an idiot so it all adds up perfectly_

(9:20) do u like hurting me

(9:21) _every time i do, eight years are added to my remaining lifespan_

(9:22) WOW i need a nap

(9:22) _it's 9pm just say you're going to sleep_

(9:23) ok so a really long nap

(9:29) goodnight

(9:36) ok maybe TOMORROW ull say goodnight back

(9:39) _is you desperately trying to get me to say goodnight to you gonna become a daily thing now?_

(9:40) yea

(9:41) _alright good to know_

Friday AM

(7:22) do u know what day it is

(7:44) _it's friday_

(7:48) ITS FRIDAY!!!!!!!!!!

(7:48) hope i make it through the day

(7:49) _hope you don't_

Friday PM

(12:03) penelope told me youre trying to die

(12:05) penelope needs to chill

(12:05) cheers mate ill drink to that

(12:05) u dont drink

(12:06) shut up

(12:07) so whos this dude again

(12:07) just a dude

(12:08) mhmm

(12:08) what is up with u n penny n the constant mhmm-ing

(12:09) what is up with you and always doing things that make people mhmm at you

(12:09) touche

(12:09) really tho

(12:09) stay safe bub!

(12:09) i will

(12:10) hes nice i promise

(12:10) ok maybe not nice but nice

(12:10) bet he is

(3:53) got a ride today too

(3:54) maybe i should just update you on the days i DONT get a ride

(3:58) _maybe you should stop updating me_

(3:59) haha lots of unlikely maybes today

(4:00) _i must've been the absolute worst in a past life because what else would explain why this is happening_

(4:00) _what have i ever done to deserve this_

(4:01) ur the absolute worst in this life too

(4:01) wild

(4:01) also u r the biggest drama queen ever

(4:05) ill message u in like 30 mins wait

 

(7:22) _what happened to messaging me in 30 minutes?_

(7:30) did u miss me :)

(7:30) were u waiting for me :)

(7:32) _i was just checking for confirmation that you died before i started celebrating_

(7:32) _but alas the universe is not on my side_

(7:36) ok whatever u say

(7:36) im having dinner at my friends house her parents r so nice i love them

(7:41) _you're texting on the dinner table?_

(7:41) _your manners are atrocious_

(7:43) FINE ill eat then text u

(7:45) _i have an interesting proposition_

(7:45) mhmm?

(7:46) _you eat.. and then you dont text me_

(7:46) i dont think so no i like mine better

(7:48) _not to worry i have another_

(7:48) _you choke while eating and then you CANT text me_

(7:49) bye

 

(10:36) what is up i am HOME

(10:42) _and you didnt choke_

(10:42) _must you keep disappointing me?_

(10:44) my bad ill try harder next time

(10:45) _that's all i was asking_

(10:46) mum thinks you got a new girlfriend

(10:46) what

(10:46) why

(10:46) is that even a question

(10:46) u had that stupid smile on your face all throughout dinner

(10:48) did not.....

(10:48) im tired of ur LIES

(10:48) did too bub

(10:48) everyone noticed

(10:49) except penelope

(10:49) but if she hadnt been so into that documentary i assure you she wouldve noticed too

(10:49) i think i wouldve known if id been smiling like an idiot for an entire dinner

(10:50) Image sent.

(10:50) Image sent.

(10:50) Image sent.

(10:53) u know taking pictures of ppl without their consent is illegal right

(10:53) i have more if u want

(10:54) NO ENOUGH I GET IT

(10:54) hes funny

(10:54) mhmmmm

(10:55) is that u n pennys new catchphrase cuz its not good

(10:56) ok lol

(10:57) STOP

(10:57) IM NOT DOING ANYTHING

(10:57) U KNOW WHAT UR DOING

(10:57) DO I THO

(10:57) DO I

(10:58) YES? WHAT HAVE I BEEN SAYING THIS WHOLE TIME

(11:00) OK FORGET I SAID ANYTHING

(11:01) fine

(11:01) fine

(11:01) good

(11:01) good

(11:02) u know we should really rewatch sonny with a chance one day

(11:03) we should

(11:03) lol this is why everyone thinks we still have feelings for each other

(11:04) YIKES

(11:04) RIGHT

(11:04) goodnight tho

(11:04) gn!

(11:07) goodnight

(11:07) _still not getting a reply_

(11:07) maybe someday

(11:08) _probably not_

(11:08) :)

 

Saturday AM

(7:23) good morning what a great day

(7:23) to do absolutely nothing productive

 

(10:10) _who wakes up at 7am on a saturday?_

(10:10) _you're even weirder than i originally thought you were_

(10:34) hey i happen to like waking up early

(10:34) its nice n sunny (sometimes) n no ones awake n i need some good quality me time

(10:38) _why would you want to spend time with yourself when you're you_

(10:40) can we create a new rule where you cant be mean to me before 2pm

(10:41) _no_

(10:41) fair enough

(10:42) so what do u have planned for this

(10:42) lovely saturday evening if you will

(10:42) _i will not_

(10:42) SHSISJSJSI

(10:43) i was trying to be fancy like u but it didnt work

(10:43) _it certainly did not_

(10:43) maybe if i add 'certainly' to all my sentences itll work

(10:44) _the fact that you think the word certainly makes you sound fancy....._

(10:44) _disappointed but not surprised_

(10:44) speaking of friends

(10:44) _we weren't speaking about friends_

(10:45) mine think ur gonna kill me

(10:45) _......_

(10:45) _they're not exactly wrong_

(10:47) TAHTS WHAT I SAID!!!!

(10:47) we r so in sync

(10:48) _it really is too early for this_

(10:49) i tried to make an agreement with u abt starting the bullying at 2pm n u wouldnt listen so this is what u get

 

Saturday PM

(3:08) im gonna tell u something rly shocking

(3:08) try not to have a heart attack

(3:12) _i really think we're beyond that point_

(3:15) ok so

(3:15) i

(3:15) am hanging out with my friends

(3:17) _?????????_

(3:18) without parental supervision 

(3:18) _stares at the camera like i'm on the office_

(3:18) I LOEV THE OFFICE

(3:18) AND JIM HALPERT

(3:19) we will talk about that later

(3:19) after i finish this game of cards

(3:20) _oh_

(3:20) _1\. we will not_

(3:20) _2\. are you winning_

(3:24) unfortunately not

(3:24) penelopes dragging my ass through the FILTH

(3:24) n agathas been cheating for so long n she hasnt won a single round which is sad n embarrassing

(3:25) at least im losing with integrity

(3:28) _so your friends are as pathetic as you_

(3:28) _thought it was impossible for anyone to be as tragic as you are but here we are_

(3:29) hey for ur information

(3:29) no i have nothing they rly are

(3:29) but its ok were cute too

(3:30) _are you_

(3:30) _are you really_

(3:34) YES SQUARE TF UP?

(3:37) _FUCK YES_

(3:37) _MEET ME OUTSIDE IN FIVE_

(3:38) damn can we do it inside tho cuz its kinda chilly outside

(3:40) _i withdraw my offer to fight you_

(3:40) _since not even that you can do correctly_

(3:47) IM SORRY I DONT WANNA FREEZE TO DEATH

(3:52) _it's.... it's not even that cold? tf_

(3:53) sod off

(3:54) o shit pennys getting mad i need to put my phone away

(3:54) shes like 5'0 but i have no doubt she could end me

(3:56) _kind of really hope she does tbh_

(9:20) truly wish we could chat about the office but im tired

(9:23) _this is the best day of my life_

(9:23) _finally something good happens to me_

(9:25) incorrect

(9:25) the best of ur life was the day we started talking

(9:25) dunno how u could skip that when ur constantly ranting abt how much u love this friendship

(9:29) _friendship?_

(9:36) fine

(9:36) acquaintanceship

(9:37) _no i wasnt_

(9:37) _never mind_

(9:39) wtf??? u cant do that u need to continue the sentence

(9:40) _i cant do that?_

(9:42) nope

(9:43) _huh_

(9:43) _i believe i just did though?_

(9:47) do u like being this difficult

(9:49) _love it_

(9:50) -_-

(9:50) goodnight

(9:54) _maybe tomorrow right?_

(9:55) right

 

Sunday AM

(7:49) good morninngfj

(7:49) u should try waking up as early as me one day

(7:49) its a delight

(7:49) im a delight

(7:49) i wonder if i can wake u up with my messages

(7:50) r u a heavy sleeper

(7:50) im gonna stop now cuz im not an asshole

(7:50) unlike some people

(7:50) i say, after sending ten continuous texts

(7:50) ok rly im gonna stop now

 

(10:49) _you're so lucky i dont have imessage notifications turned on_

(10:49) _i would've fucking slaughtered you if you'd woken me up_

(11:03) why arent ur notifs turned on wtf

(11:09) _i turn them off before i go to sleep_

(11:10) _because people are annoying_

(11:10) _and by people i mean you_

(11:11) _i was just clearing that up in case your thick head couldn't process it_

(11:11) wow u rly r chatty when ur talking abt how terrible i am

(11:14) _my one true passion_

(11:16) ur otp hahahahahhahagagahag

(11:19) _that's it i think i've dealt with enough i'm blocking your number_

(11:20) NO RHDJDKSJSSJSJS

(11:20) PEOSLEE

(11:21) _you can't even take the time to spell it correctly_

(11:21) i was in kind of a hurry

(11:21) but well well well

(11:21) look who came crawling back

(11:23) _why are you like this as a person_

(11:24) ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

(11:28) _what the fuck_

(11:28) _no wait_

(11:28) _why the fuck_

(11:30) ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 

Sunday PM

(1:02) _just thought i'd let you know that your name has changed to the shrug emoticon_

(1:29) what ddjdjdksj

(1:29) why

(1:30) i mean i loev it but why

(1:36) _because i feel like it perfectly represents you as a person_

(1:39) i mean

(1:39) ur not wrong

 

(4:29) hey wyd

(4:35) um

(4:35) working on an essay why

(4:36) an essay?

(4:38) yea

(4:39) the one thats due tomorrow?

(4:43) hey whaddup im simon im 17 n i never fuckin learned how to read

(4:45) no comment

(4:45) so i guess u cant come over

(4:46) depends

(4:46) is penny there

(4:46) yeah?

(4:46) great im omw

(4:47) damn ok i see how it is

(4:47) shut up i,, need her to help me finish this

(4:47) good luck w that

(8:11) i finished a 3000 word essay in 3 hrs r u impressed

(8:16) _trying hard to impress me i see_

(8:17) whagsushdk no ..

(8:17) but r u

(8:17) _i mean_

(8:17) _not really_

(8:18) _but i could lie and say yes if that'll make you feel better?_

(8:18) yes pls

(8:19) _yes i'm very impressed_

(8:20) :')

(8:20) would u be less proud if i told u penny wrote more than half of it

(8:24) _yeah_

(8:26) ok then i wont trll u

(8:27) _good choice_

(8:27) oh no

(8:27) how dare u do this

(8:30) _????_

(8:30) _i'm glad i offended you but i'd like to know what exactly i did_

(8:32) u reminded me tomorrows monday

(8:32) _i did what_

(8:32) _how'd i do that_

(8:35) i was thinking abt how u wouldnt wait last minute to finish an essay cuz ur a nerd n that made me think of school which starts again tomorrow

(8:37) _i'm amazing_

(8:37) _i can hurt you without even trying_

(8:37) _legends only_

(8:38) im like

(8:38) every single disgusted gavin meme combined into one right now

(8:38) _i am THRIVING_

(8:39) glad rhis makes u happy

(8:40) so since u r on a high rn

(8:40) i was wondering

(8:40) if

(8:40) _are you actually incapable of typing out a whole sentence in one message_

(8:41) yes

(8:42) but anyway

(8:42) yea whats ur like

(8:42) name

(8:43) _lmao no_

(8:44) DHDHSK WHY NOT

(8:44) WHAT AM I SHPPOSED TO REFER TO U AS WHEN IM TALKING ABT U TO MY FRIENDSN

(8:45) _why would you bring me up in a conversation with your friends_

(8:45) is that all u got from that text

(8:45) _yeah_

(8:46) ok what am i supposed to address u as huh

(8:46) _i think asshole's working just fine for us_

(8:48) u kno u make me want to rip all my hair out of my head

(8:49) _i know_

(8:49) _it's funny_

(8:50) im gonna pick a random name n pretend its urs

(8:50) _alright have at it_

(8:53) travis

(8:54) _what_

(8:55) no i was thinking of the hannah montana movie

(8:55) n u dont deserve travis's name

(8:55) he deserves better

(8:56) what abt jake he was annoying

(8:57) _is that the blonde dude who she pushed over once_

(8:58) YES

(8:58) what an ass

(8:58) u know he cheated on her what a dick

(9:01) _god you're annoying_

(9:01) _baz_

(9:03) baz as in ur name is baz

(9:03) _yes now would you please stop you're giving me a headache and you're not even here_

(9:04) :)

(9:07) im waiting for u to ask for my name

(9:08) _okay_

(9:08) _keep waiting_

(9:09) fuck YOU

(9:10) _are my eyes betraying me_

(9:10) _have you actually written you instead of u_

(9:10) only cuz i was emphasizing

(9:10) writing you is so tiring

(9:13) _people who write u instead are weak and natural selection is coming for them_

(9:14) ITS NNOT THAT DEEP

(9:14) so

(9:16) _i'm not gonna ask for your name_

(9:17) but i wanna introduce myself like james bond

(9:17) _am i stopping you_

(9:19) RIGHTT

(9:20) the names snow

(9:20) simon snow

(9:23) _is your name actually simon snow or are you fucking with me_

(9:23) hey whats wronf with simon snow

(9:24) _absolutely nothing_

(9:24) _i love my life_

(9:25) do u have to attack me over everythinng

(9:25) _yes_

(9:26) right i was just checking go on

(9:29) _you literally gave me your full name are you not afraid i'm gonna kill you_

(9:29) exams r comjng soon i would not be opposed to dying a mysterious death rn

(9:30) _noted_

(9:54) he told me his name n he watches the office he cant be a murderer

(9:58) **your survival instincts are worse than mine**

(9:59) **which is very worrying**

(9:59) **i should rewatch the office tho i miss pam**

(10:00) RIGHT

(10:01) if u do make sure to hmu

(10:02) **sure**

(10:02) **if youre not already dead**

(10:03) im sure my corpse would love to watch it with you as well

(10:03) **alright alright**

(10:03) **dead you would talk a lot less so thats a relief**

(10:04) what is this slander

(10:04) im leavingn .

(10:04) **bye**

(10:19) goodnightn

(10:19) baz

(10:19) knowing ur name is so weird

(10:23) _blame yourself_

(10:43) GOOD WEIRD

(10:45) _you said goodnight like 20 minutes ago go to sleep_

(10:46) right

 

Monday AM

(7:34) if u want to kill me now is perfect timing

(7:39) _thought you like waking up early_

(7:40) sure

(7:40) n staying HOME

(7:40) not going to school thats gross

(7:42) _you're gross_

(7:43) real mature

(7:43) UR THE GROSS INE

 

(10:38) i have a free period just thiught id reinforce the idea that ur the gross one

 

Monday PM

(3:23) _you're the gross one_

(3:23) _and my word is fact_

(3:25) wtf

(3:25) no its not

(3:25) _yes it is_

(3:25) _i'm the genius remember_

(3:27) no my memorys rly bad

(3:27) think weve established that

(3:30) _i really want you dead_

(3:32) weve established that too :)

(3:33) _how are you this annoying_

(3:35) lots of practice

(3:37) OH WE NEVER TALKED ABT THE OFFICE

(3:38) _no_

(3:39) pls

(3:39) whos ur favorite character

(3:39) mines jim cuz i lowkey want to marry him

(3:40) penelopes is pam cuz she lowkey wants to marry her

(3:43) _i'm not talking to you about the office then i won't like it anymore_

(3:43) rude

(3:43) ur such a dwight

(3:47) _what_

(3:47) _take that back_

(3:47) _you're the dwight_

(3:47) _dwight_

(3:49) WHY IS IT SO FUNYN HOW DEFENSIVE U GOT

(3:50) penelope n i might rewatch it after exams

(3:50) u should rabbit it with us

(3:54) _no thanks_

(3:54) _one you is enough for me_

(3:54) _i'm not interested in talking to your weird friends_

(3:57) NO PENELOPES A NERD TOO U WILL LOVE HER SHES GREAT

(3:58) u guys can talk abt ....

(3:58) math or whatever

(3:59) _you think i'd enjoy having a conversation revolving around math_

(4:01) djdjjs idk ok i know one (1) nerd im not an expert

(4:01) wait two now

(4:02) thats u

(4:02) _yeah i got that_

(4:02) awkward

(4:04) _this is why you're the gross one_

(4:04) no i already won that argument

(4:06) _sure jan_

(4:07) shut up i did

(4:09) _ahuh_

(4:10) SHUT UPPPP

(4:11) _okay.....lmao_

(4:12) stpp this is hurting my ego

(4:15) _as it should_

(4:16) Read 4:16 PM

 

(6:42) should i take a nap or study

(6:44) _study_

(6:45) nap it is

(6:47) _dumbass_

(8:21) ok i woke up n i am

(8:21) going to go to sleep again cuz ...

(8:21) anyway goodnight

(8:32) _you're gonna sleep for eleven hours?_

(8:34) yes

(8:37) _i heard sleeping too much kills people so i support you_

(8:38) im gonna focus on the second part of that sentence n say thank u

(8:38) _anytime_

(8:39) alright goodnight again

(8:41) COME ON PLEAS E

(8:42) _no i'm good_

(8:43) ok well i tried


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> simon → normal  
> baz → italics  
> penelope → bold  
> agatha → underlined

Tuesday AM

(7:32) oh my god

(7:32) ok good mornig but also i jsut had

(7:32) the greatest idea

(7:40)  _pretty sure any idea you have at 7am is shit but go on_

(7:42) im changjng ur name to

(7:42) baz lightyear

(7:42) GE T. IT

(7:43)  _yeah i get it_

(7:43)  _totally unrelated but do you know what i should do if i want to legally change my name_

(7:43) SHUTT. YP THATS SO GODO AND YOU KNOW TI

(7:43)  _remember when i said any idea you have at 7am is shit_

(7:44) ..... yea

(7:45)  _my point stands_

(7:45) NO IT S GOOD AND CLEVEBR U DONT UDNERTSAND

(7:46)  _Read 7:46 AM_

(7:49) asshole

 

(11:28) u knwo what i love with all mu hesrt

(11:30)  _spelling mistakes_

(11:30) shut the fucj up

(11:30) i was gonna say

(11:30) bedore u rudely interrupted me

(11:31)  _you were literally waiting for me to answer_

(11:32) BEFORE U RIDELY INTERRUPTED ME

(11:32) i love dying n being dead

(11:33)  _that's it?_

(11:33) you say that as if this isnt important?????

(11:34)  _so this is what you think about during school hours_

(11:34) no comment

(11:35)  _tell me one thing you've learned today_

(11:36) NO COMMENT

(11:37)  _tragic_

 

Tuesday PM

(3:29) haha exams starting next week hahaha im abt to kill myselfn hahshvsgja wnat to be dead ajsjksjjahahhaha

(3:23)  _why is that the most relatable thing you've texted me so far_

(3:24) cuz exams r shit

(3:25) AND THEN THEY OMLY GIVE US TWO WEEKS OFF????? WHAT KIDNNA BULLSHIT

(3:25) i am Leaving

(3:26)  _where to_

(3:26) shit

(3:27) can i come stay with u

(3:28)  _i would burn my house down if you ever stepped through the front door_

(3:28) cool cool cool cool

(3:29) just checking

(3:29) can i borrow some of ur genius then

(3:29)  _no_

(3:30) cool cool cool cool

(3:30) still just checking

(3:34)  _have you started studying??_

(3:35) why would i do that

(3:37)  _so you don't fail? to insure you get into a good college? so you'll have a future? and you won't bother me as an adult too?_

(3:38) touche

(3:38) but still no

(3:38)  _you can't get good grades without studying_

(3:39) o yeah????

(3:39) then how'd i get a 40% in physics???

(3:39) check mate

(3:42)  _these are your standards......_

(3:42)  _this conversation is making me pity you i need to leave_

(3:43) LMAOSOSOOSOOOOO

(3:43) i was joking

(3:45)  _thank god_

(3:45) i got a 45%

(3:49)  _alright goodbye_

 

(5:58) please text me as soon as u can this is an actual emergency

(6:23)  _what do you want_

(6:26) wow

(6:26) u reply 20 minutes later n with a 'what do u want' ???????

(6:26) real nice

(6:26) i couldve been dying

(6:29)  _i know_

(6:29)  _what a shame that you werent_

(6:32) asshole

(6:33) so yes the emergency

(6:33) whats the best hsm movie

(6:34)  _this is the emergency?_

(6:34) yes

(6:34)  _you disappoint me_

(6:35) because i ask dumb questions?

(6:37)  _because the answer is obviously hsm 2 and whoever disagrees can meet me in the fucking pit_

(6:38) SOMEONES PASSIONATE ABT HSM

(6:38) YES I LVOE IT

(6:38) DECK WHOEVER DOESNT AGREE WITH U

(6:40)  _i_ _will_

(6:43) agatha thinks its hsm 3

(6:43) its only because she likes that one song with the pretty dresses

(6:47)  _agatha is wrong and you have to unfriend her_

(6:48) this rly is amazing

(6:49) but unfortunately i cannot i have like 2 friends

(6:53) unless ur willing to take her spot

(6:56)  _never mind dont unfriend her_

(6:57) i see how it is

(6:58) i need to know more abt ur love for hsm

(6:58) bet on it or gotta go my own way

(7:02)  _this_ _is_ _so hard_ _what the fuck_

(7:03)  _but_

(7:03)  _bet on it_

(7:04) I KENW IT

(7:04) ITS CUZ UR THE MSOT DRAMAIC PEROSN I KNOW

(7:05) we should rabbit it one day too

(7:06)  _not today satan_

(7:06) tomorrow

(7:06)  _not tomorrow satan_

(7:07) after tomorrow

(7:07)  _not after tomorrow satan_

(7:07)  _i have four younger siblings i can do this all day_

(7:09) YOU WHAT

(7:09) OMGN I CANT.  BELIEVE U ENEVR TOLD ME

(7:09) BIG NROTHER BAZ

(7:09) HEO CUTE

(7:11)  _what_

(7:11)  _stop_

(7:13) can i change your name to big brother baz

(7:13) triple b

(7:14) already done

(7:14)  _no_

(714)  _what the fuck change it back why are you like this_

(7:15)  _i will fucking deck you_

(7:15) :)

(7:17) i am learning so much today this is amazing

(7:17) hsm stan.... big brother... a nerd...

(7:17) someones softer than i thought

(7:19)  _someone's about to die_

(7:19) ok imma shut up

(7:20) ;)

(7:20)  _STOP_

(7:20) IM NOT DOING ANYTHIGN

(7:20)  _YOUR EXISTENCE IS BEING SUCH A DISTURBANCE_

(7:20) MY EXISTENCE APOLOGIZES

(7:22)  _not accepted_

(7:22) my existence withdraws its apology

(7:23)  _it can't do that after i rejected it_

(7:23)  _that's just pathetic_

(7:25) my existence is already pathetic according to u so

(7:25)  _you're not wrong_

 

Wednesday AM

(2:06) hey what do u think ill become when i die

(2:09)  _a corpse_

(2:09)  _why the fuck are you awake its 2am_

(2:10) why the fuck r YOU awake

(2:10)  _why the fuck are YOU awake_

(2:10) WHY THE FCUK ARE YOU AWAKE

(2:10)  _WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU AWAKE_

(2:11) WJY THE FUCKF ARE YOU AWAKE

(2:11)  _WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU AWAKE_

(2:11) i was watching the food network n then it was one in the morning idk how

(2:13)  _so you stayed up an extra hour_

(2:13) go big or go home

(2:13) why r YIU awake

(2:14)  _none of your business_

(2:14) WHY ARE UIU LIEK THSI

(2:14) I JUST. EXPOSOED MYSELF N TOLD YI I WATCH THE FOOD NETWORK

(2:16)  _everyone watches the food network you're not special_

(2:16) ouch

(2:16) rhat hurt

(2:16) im emo at 2am

(2:17) also i meant like reincarnaion

(2:17) i hope i become a flower or smthn

(2:17) no worries

(2:18)  _i talked to you for like ten minutes and i need to pass out goodnight_

(2:20) i am a miracle worker

(2:20) WIAIT

(2:20) YIU SUUST

(2:20) YIU SJSUTT SAIDI GOODDNIGHT

(2:20) OHYMYM OD F BAZ COEM BACK

(2:21) OH U YCGEOD YOU JSUT DID TJAT!!!!!!!!!

(2:21) THSI IS A. VERY SIGNICIFIACNT DAY

(2:21) IC SNT. BELEIVE EU JSUT DID THAT AND THEN WHENT OT SLEPEP LITLETLAY HWO DOES THAT OH YM GFO

(2:25) goodnight :)))))))

 

(7:30) i am SO TIREID

(7:32) ALSOS DO U KNWO WHAT U DID LAST NIGTH

(7:33)  _can you shut the fuck up and stop using capital letters i cant read that loud this early_

(7:36) ok

(7:36) goodnight

(7:37)  _what_

(7:38)  _its seven in the morning_

(7:38)  _and a school day_

(7:39)  _what's wrong with you_

(7:42) JSUT SAY IT BAKC

(7:45)  _one time thing_

(7:46) dammit

 

Wednesday PM

(3:29)  _you didn't text me during school today_

(3:29)  _have you finally decided to pay attention in class_

(3:32) yes

(3:32) did u miss me ;)

(3:33)  _no_

(3:34)  _did your phone die_

(3:35) yes..........

(3:36) ur fault for textign me at 2am

(3:38)  _YOU texted ME at 2am_

(3:39) technicalities

 

(4:41)  **come over**

(4:41) r ur parents home ;)

(4:41)  **i will drop kick you**

(4:43) damn everyone wants to drop kick me lately

(4:44)  **wonder why**

(4:44)  **come over we need to start studying**

(4:45) ??????

(4:45) we dont have a quiz tomorrow

(4:45)  **oh my god**

(4:45)  **SIMON EXAMS START ON MONDAY**

(4:46) o shit right

(4:46) u havent started?

(4:46)  **oh i've started**

(4:47)  **i'm sure you haven't though**

(4:47) no comment

(4:47) ill be there in a bit

(4:48)  **are you still talking to whatshisname**

(4:49) who

(4:49)  **dont act dumb**

(4:51) his names baz fyi

(4:53)  **DID YOU TELL HIM YOUR NAME TELL ME YOU DIDNT**

(4:53) HES NOT GONNA KILL ME PENNY

(4:53) trust me on this one

(4:54)  **last time i trusted u we got stuck in walmart for an entire night**

(4:55) first of all how dare u bring up that traumatic incident

(4:55) im having war flashbacks

(4:55)  **tf you slept most of the night idk what flashbacks youre having**

(4:56) i.. was tired

(4:56)  **it was thundering really loudly whats wrong with you how could you sleep through that**

(4:56) i WAS TIREDR

 

(8:09) i jsut studied for so long i thjnk my brain is frying

(8:10)  _what brain_

(8:10) that was pretty fast were u waiting for me to text u ;)

(8:10)  _i'm never replying to you again_

(8:12) technically u just did

(8:15) i can see u read that n didnt reply

(8:15) i can also see how this has backfired on me

(8:24) pls....

(8:33) fine i have other friends

(8:36) i just called u my friend n u didnt even correct me

(8:36) wild

(8:39) anyway im tired so goodnight

(8:43) WAS IT REALLY A ONE TIME THING

(8:45)  _yes_

(8:46) noted

 

Thursday AM

(7:33) im so tired what happens if i skip school today

(7:35)  _you become more of a failure than you already are and end up living in the streets before you even turn 20_

(7:36) thats a risk im willing to take

(7:36)  _of course it is_

(7:39) nvrmnd im scared of penelope im going

(7:40)  _this is whats motivating you to go.._

(7:40)  _fear.._

(7:40)  _better than nothing but still_

 

Thursday PM

(1:21) im so bored give me something to do

(1:29)  _?????_

(1:29)  _focus???_

(1:29)  _you're literally in school?_

(1:30) oh yea

(1:30) i forgot

(1:30) but still help me out

(1:32)  _i hate you but i will not help you ruin your own life_

(1:32) :')

(1:33) baz

(1:33) i just want you to know

(1:33) that means a lot to me

(1:35)  _i just want you to know_

(1:35)  _that i don't give a shit_

(1:36)  _stop texting me im busy trying to show people i'm smarter and more successful than them_

(1:38) UR SUCH AN ASSHOLE

(1:38) i mean its a nice change

(1:38) seeing u be an asshole to ppl who arent me but

(1:39)  _what did i just say you illiterate fuck_

(1:39)  _lose my number_

(1:40) there we go

 

(3:26) home sweet fuckin home

(3:26) honestly hell would be better than this

(3:30)  _i have no idea what you're complaining about you don't do anything there_

(3:32) thats not true

(3:32) i pay attention

(3:32) sometimed

(3:33) sormtimes

(3:33) sometimes

(3:35)  _how have you made it this far in life_

(3:35) no idea

(3:35) but now! im going to study! bc im a hard working young man! who doesnt want to fail!

(3:36)  _you? are going to study?_

(3:37) ok so maybe not right NOW

(3:37) but in a bit i swear

(3:38)  _disappointed but not surprised_

(3:38) i just got home i need to REST

(3:39)  _yes of course my bad_

(3:39)  _you need a break from all that resting you were doing at school_

(3:42) exactly

(3:42) im so glad u understand

(4:02) penelopes making me study so much im rly abt to drop dead

(4:06)  _FINALLY_

(4:07) not the response i was looking for

(4:07)  _should've been the response you were expecting_

(4:07) shes coming over RIGHT NOW show some sympathy

(4:09)  _you want me to be sympathetic?_

(4:09)  _because your friend cares about you and doesn't want you to fail?_

(4:10) YES

(4:10) who studies right after school who does that

(4:12)  _a lot of people it's actually been proven that studying as soon as you get home rather than at 6pm or after is more efficient, saves time, and gives you better results_

(4:13) um

(4:14) ok science man

(4:14) SCISYENTIST

(4:14) SCIENTIST

(4:14) science men are scientists

(4:15)  _why are you so..._

(4:15)  _it was PHYSICALLY PAINFUL for me to read that_

(4:15)  _science man.... i thought you couldnt possibly disappoint me further but you've proven me wrong_

(4:17) u shouldnt have doubted my disappointing ppl abilities

(4:49) i accidentally said like magnets attract and penelope looks so disappointed what do i do

(4:52)  _it's her fault_

(4:52)  _how long have you two been friends_

(4:53)  _she should be used to this_

(4:53)  _like i am_

(4:53)  _and i've only known you a week_

(4:55) u just indirectly called us friends i feel the need to point that out

(4:55)  _friends my ass_

(4:55)  _go study_

(4:56) ok but only cuz pennys abt to murder me

 

(6:06) im tired

(6:07)  _study_

(6:10) im TIRED

(6:12)  _STUDY_

 

(10:32) I FELL ASLEEP DJSHAJSHSJSK

(10:32) hwat thenfufkfk

(10:40)  _amazing_

(10:40)  _you try studying for the first time and you end up napping_

(10:41)  _true talent_

(10:41) ur being sarcastic but when will i ever get another compliment from u

(10:41) so ill take it thank u

(10:44)  _now i kind of want to take it back_

(10:45) u cant do that sorry

(10:45)  _i thought we already went over the whole 'cant' thing_

(10:46) we did but according to u im pretty dumb

(10:46)  _you say 'according to you' as if you didnt just say like magnets attract a few hours ago_

(10:46) WOW

(10:47) i cant believe ud bring that back up

(10:47) if you KNOW how i FEEL WHY would you even SAY that like you put me in SUCH an UNCOMFORTABLE situation

(10:48)  _i said it BECAUSE i know how you feel_

(10:48) not even surprised

(10:48) i think im rly getting the hang of predicting when ur gonna be rude to me next

(10:49)  _i'm rude to you all the time?_

(10:49)  _don't act like you did anything above average_

(10:49) i predicted that too

(10:50)  _sometimes i genuinely just sit down and ask myself why i put myself through this every single day_

(10:50) talking to urself..... wow have i done this to u

(10:50)  _YES_

(10:50)  _and then you wonder why i want you six feet under_

(10:50) a case for the fbi

(10:52) ah anyway goodnight

(10:52) i cant believe its finally friday tomorrow i might really burst into tears

(10:53)  _make sure to send me pictures if you do!!! it'll make up for all the shit you send me daily_

(10:54) .....ill think abt it

 

Friday AM

(7:11) i would just like to think god, jesus, and 2009 avril lavigne for getting me through this week

(7:11) 8 more hrs n im free.... whew

(7:11) 2 more weeks n im ACTUALLY free.... whew

(7:15)  _you're free for two weeks and then you go back to school_

(7:17) listen i know being an asshole is ur thing but

(7:17) that was too far

(7:17) n to remind me this early in the day..

(7:18) u cant see me but im shaking my head

(7:20)  _you can't see me but i'm smiling_

(7:21) you know how to smile? wild

(7:22)  _thats how surprised i was when i found out you know how to read_

 

Friday PM

(2:30) ITS OVER

(3:02)  _you really waited to text me that at 2:30 exactly.._

(3:02)  _how extra can you get_

(3:08) uh please u invented being extra

(3:10)  _when have i EVER in my ENTIRE LIFE done ANYTHING considered dramatic or extra?_

(3:11) [takes out 20 slide powerpoint] im glad u asked

(3:11)  _e x t r a_

(3:12) ur impact

(3:15) oh my god? penny wants to study again? where r we? what is this? every single day? what? i? um? what the fuck?

(3:15) she wants me to hold a textbook??? in this economy?

(3:15) in the year of our lord two thousand and seventeen?

(3:15) unacceptable

(3:16)  _you finally finding out what a normal student does on a daily basis is honestly fascinating_

(3:16) have YOU started studying?

(3:16)  _hell no who am i_

(3:17) BUT U JSUT SAID??

(3:17) QHAT

(3:18)  _i said normal students i'm above all of you_

(3:18) oh my god

(3:18) whats wrong with u

(3:18) why r u like this

(3:19)  _no comment_

(3:20) mhmm

 

(4:58) oh my god shes letting me take a break thank u lord

(5:00)  _you're using your break to text me? torturing me is that important to you?_

(5:01) yes its my number one priority

(5:01)  _mine is staying safe idk how i got myself involved with a stranger_

(5:01) 1. u make it sound as if were having sex

(5:01)  _i would rather be eaten alive by rats_

(5:02) 2. u cant call me a stranger anymore

(5:02) we talked abt hsm

(5:02)  _have i ever told you i hate you_

(5:02) multiple times yes

(5:03)  _that's good that's good_

(5:05) should i snakc on strawberries or marshmallows

(5:06)  _strawberries and marshmallows_

(5:06) h oly shit

(5:06) ... i thjnk... we r soulmates

(5:07)  _actually 76 people die a year from choking on marshmallows and i thought adding strawberries into the mix would increase your chances of dying_

(5:07)  _fingers crossed!_

(5:08) u know u could be arrested if the police check my messages after i die

(5:08)  _100% worth it_

(5:09) im kinda pissed at u for trying to get me to choke

(5:09) also kinda grateful cuz exams start on monday....

(5:09)  _the duality of man_

(5:10) penny wants to start again suddenly choking doesnt seem so bad

(5:11)  _go study_

(5:11)  _dont choke_

(5:11)  _not until you pass your exams_

(5:13) wow :')

(5:13)  _not a word._

 

(7:39) she let me out early huh

(7:39) should i go back n check if shes sick??

(7:39) maybe i shouldve stayed with her

(7:40) made her some soup

(7:42)  _you would've burned it_

(7:42) how does one burn soup

(7:43)  _you'd find a way_

(7:43) ur right

(7:43) im that smart

(7:45)  _not what i meant but alright_

(7:45) oh my god what if shes DYING

(7:45) WITHOUT ME

(7:45)  _bet she's relieved she doesn't have to spend time with your ass anymore_

(7:46) u think shed prefer dying over hanging out with me

(7:46)  _you said she's smart so yes_

(7:46) well its possible honestly

(7:46) after the magnets incident... u might be right

 

(8:28) how was studying with our girl penny

(8:30) how do u thjnk it was..

(8:30) three days in a row agatha THREE

(8:32) omg

(8:32) this is making me sad

(8:32) ill force her to go shopping with me tomorrow

(8:32) but u say shopping with penny is torture

(8:33) ...it is

(8:33) wow :')

(8:33) ex solidarity is alive n thriving

(8:34) yeah ahuh ur doing my hw for the first week of the second semester

(8:34) ex solidarity is DEAD

(8:34) shut the fuck up boy

(8:34) im giving u an entire DAY to um

(8:35) wtf do u like to do???

(8:35) ex solidarity is ROTTING

(8:36) um?? eat???? watch those dumb cartoons u like??? text nice but not nice boy? scroll through slime accounts on instagram for a good 3 hrs??

(8:36) wow ur life is sad

(8:37) 1. why does rveryone say tht

(8:37) 2. gravity falls is NOT DUMB IT IS A PSYCHOLOGICAL ROLLERCOASTER HOW MANT TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL U THIS

(8:37) 3. nice but not nice boy.. baz???

(8:38) he told u his name???? dont tell penny shell flip

(8:38) LMAO SHE ALREADY DID

(8:38) she brought up the w*lmart incident too.... the betrayal

(8:38) shut up u were sleeping the entire night

(8:39) U TOO?????? U WERENT EVEN THERE

(8:39) penelope took a video of u talking in ur sleep

(8:39) hilarious btw

(8:40) she... what

(8:40) how dare u guys do this to me

(8:40) whats it called when ppl do shit behind ur back again

(8:40) conspiring??

(8:40) YES

(8:40) U GUYS WERE CONSPIRING AGAINST ME

(8:41) on second thought maybe tomorrows not the best day to go shopping

(8:41) no pls i was joking im sorru i love u

(8:41) thats what i thought

 

(8:56) i dont have to study tomorrow :')

(8:56) pennys gonna go out with agatha finally the world is on my side

(9:15)  _why don't you just study alone..._

(9:15)  _isn't your first final on monday_

(9:19) maybe ..

(9:22)  _don't come to me in ten years when you're homeless_

(9:23)  _what exam do you have_

(9:23) literature

(9:23) i think

(9:23)  _you think_

(9:23)  _sad_

(9:24) what do u have

(9:24)  _history_

(9:24)  _which i will be studying for tomorrow_

(9:25)  _highly recommend this concept_

(9:25) no thnx im gonna watch gravity falls

(9:25)  _the dumb cartoon?_

(9:26) ITS A PSYCHOLOGICAL FUCKIN ROLLERCOASTER I AM TIRED OF THSI SLANDER

(9:26)  _this is what you're passionate about?_

(9:27) unfortunately 

 

(11:01) should i go to sleep

(11:04)  _yes_

(11:05) ok so thats a no

(11:05)  _why do i bother replying to you_

(11:06) cuz we r on thr path to becoming bffs

(11:06)  _no i just pushed you off_

(11:06) WHAT NO U DIDNTN

(11:06) i just camr back

(11:06)  _would you look at that i just pushed you off again_

(11:07) STOP PUSHIYN ME OFF

(11:07)  _no_

(11:07) im back on the path ok

(11:08)  _no you just slipped_

(11:08) i.. i did?

(11:08)  _yes_

(11:08)  _after i gave you a strong nudge_

(11:08) but i told you to stop pushing me

(11:09)  _i didn't listen_

(11:09) this is gonna affect our bff-ship

(11:09)  _our nonexistent bff-ship_

(11:10) is this bff-ship one sided

(11:10)  _stop saying bff-ship_

(11:10)  _and yes_

(11:11) wow ok

(11:11) OH OH MAKE. A WISH

(11:11)  _no_

(11:11) ur gonna grow up to be a miserable bitter old man n its all because u refused to make a wish

(11:12)  _peachy_

(11:12)  _can't wait_

(11:12)  _are you not gonna sleep_

(11:13) are u trying to get rid of me

(11:13)  _yes_

(11:13)  _desperately_

(11:13)  _please leave_

(11:13) DHDJDJHSHSHSHHDJDJH

(11:14) u said please tho

(11:14)  _because unlike you, i am not mannerless_

(11:14) i have manners

(11:14) i say thank u when someone lets me copy their hw

(11:15)  _thats it im going to sleep i cant handle anymore today_

(11:15) goodnight :)

(11:15) pls

(11:16)  _stop texting me_

(11:16) UGHHHHHH

 

Saturday AM

(8:20) im gonna study now so i can watch gravity falls later

(8:20) wish me luck

 

(11:00)  _no_

 

Saturday PM

(1:52) that was a bad idea i cried so many times

(1:54)  _shut up im studying_

(1:55) NO DONT

(1:55) UR GONNA SUFFER

(1:55) SO MUCH

(1:55) SAVE URSLRF PLS

(1:57)  _what part of leave me alone don't you understand_

(1:57) ALL OF IT IM TRYITN TO HLEP U

(1:57) jesus didnt pass any exams n he was fine

(1:59)  _do you enjoy talking out of your ass_

(1:59) yes

(2:00) if you survive tell me

(2:01)  _no_

 

(3:58) have u died

(4:03) oh my god ur dead

(4:03) i warned u

(4:08) id like to take a moment to remember my almost friend baz who died desperately trying to gain knowledge

(4:10)  _quit telling people i'm dead_

(4:10) sometimes i can still hear his voice

(4:14)  _maybe you should study too_

(4:15) i know i shouldnt be disrespectful to the dead but stop saying weird shit

(4:17)  _pamela would be so disappointed_

(4:17) PALXGAISKAMJSLSKAHZ

(4:17) PAMELAL DJSLS PLELWASE

(4:17) STPP IM WHEEZING

(4:19) she called me multiple times asking about my studying schedule

(4:20)  _'studying schedule'_

(4:20) BALZE IT

(4:21)  _shut the fuck up_

(4:22) i didnt spell it corrwctly i failed

(4:22)  _pretends to be shocked_

(4:22) U KNWO WHAT

(4:22) GO BACK TO STUDYINGN I DONT WANT TO TALK TO U ANHWAY

(4:34) did u actually go back to studying

(4:34) ?????

(4:40) FIGHB FOR ME U COWARD?

 

(5:45)  _i didn't even go back to studying i just didn't want to talk to you_

(5:51) fcukin noted

(5:52) i studied so much today im gonna go get myself ice cream

(5:54)  _you studied for like three minutes_

(5:54) n i honestly think that is enough for today

(5:54) it DRAINED me

(5:55)  _to be fair you didn't have much in you to start with_

(5:55) im leaving

(5:55)  _don't come back_

(6:02) im back

(6:02) whats ur favorite ice cream flavor

(6:04)  _dunno_

(6:04)  _what's yours_

(6:05) strawberry

(6:05) or mint chocolate chip

(6:05)  _that is_

(6:05)  _disgusting_

(6:06) DJSKSL THEY TASTE GOOD

(6:06)  _no they don't they bring shame to ice cream_

(6:06) wow

(6:06) fine whats urs

(6:06)  _cookie dough maybe_

(6:06)  _or birthday cake_

(6:07)  _or the brownie batter one_

(6:07)  _the cookies & cream is good too_

(6:07) u r literally just

(6:07) naming the sugariest ones

(6:07)  _what's your point_

(6:07) i think u have a sugar problem

(6:07) sweet tooth if u will

(6:07)  _i will not_

(6:08) FUCK OFF

(6:08) the first step is admitting u have a problem

(6:08)  _i do_

(6:08)  _you're it_

(6:08) not what i meant but we r making progress

(6:08) i think im gonna get the strawberry cheesecake one

(6:08)  _a disgrace_

(6:08) me or the ice cream

(6:08)  _obviously i meant both_

(6:09) obviously

(6:09) ok im leavin g fr thsi time the next time u talk to me i will be eating ice cream

(6:09) actually i probably will have finished it im a pretty fast eater

(6:10)  _i need to enjoy the peace and quiet while i can_

(6:20) im in line should i push the dude in front of me

(6:21)  _why would you do that_

(6:21) idk man the thought of ice creams making me excited

(6:21)  _you were only gone for 10 minutes i didnt get to enjoy my time_

(6:21) tragic

(6:21) ur so brave rhank u so much for sharing ur story

(6:21)  _you know what_

(6:22)  _i'm gonna say it_

(6:22)  _i hope they run out of the flavor you want_

(6:22) WOW

(6:22) I CANNOT BELIEVE

(6:22) U WOULD GO THAT FAR

(6:22) o brb

(6:23)  _don't come back_

 

(7:12)  _i honestly can't believe you listened_

(7:34) no my phone just died

(7:34) which gave me no choice but to continue studying

(7:39)  _i jinxed it_

(7:42) u jinxed it

 

(10:49) alfuckinggright thats enough for today

(10:49) for the rest of the week

(10:49) forever

(10:53)  _you know you have more than one exam_

(10:54)  _right_

(10:54) penelope would let me live with her as an unemployed adult

(10:54)  _she wouldn't_

(10:54) she would

(10:54) its called friendship

(10:54) ill show u

 

(10:55) hey can i live with u as an unemployed adult

(10:55)  **did you study today**

(10:55) yes

(10:56)  **sure then**

(10:56) love u

(10:56) <3

(10:56)  **mhmm**

(10:56) I SAID

(10:56) <333333333

(10:57)  **why are you the way that you are**

(10:57) <3333333333333333

(10:57)  **< 3**

(10:57) :)

 

(10:59) (image sent)

(10:59) check n MATE

(11:01)  _photoshop_

(11:01) please im not that talented

(11:01)  _you are completely right_

(11:02) thank u

(11:02) wait

(11:02) fuck u

(11:02) n also goodnight

(11:03)  _don't forget to study tomorrow_

(11:03) as if penelope would let me

 

Sunday AM

(10:20) ive decided i dont want to do this

(11:02)  _do what_

(11:05) exams

(11:06)  _oh_

(11:06)  _you've decided_

(11:06) yes

(11:06)  _i'm going back to sleep_

(11:06) n u call me lazy

(11:07)  _actually i've never called you lazy_

(11:07)  _but i agree_

(11:07) ok maybe i brought this one on myself

 

Saturday PM

(10:39) r u proud

(10:48)  _no idea what you're referring to but no_

(10:50) ok let me rephrase

(10:50) r u proud i havent texted u all day

(10:51)  _oh_

(10:51)  _still no_

(10:51) so u wanted me to text u

(10:52)  _everyday you prove to me further that you dont know how to read_

(10:53) :)

(10:58) im. so nervous

(11:00)  _what about_

(11:00) what kidn of dumbass question is that

(11:00) the exam

(11:00)  _i'm not helping you anymore_

(11:01) no im sorry come back

(11:01)  _okay_

(11:01) that was easy

(11:03)  _um_

(11:03)  _you're gonna do fine_

(11:03) wow. my brain cells r increasing my faith in myself has been restored my nervousness has faded away

(11:04)  _WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO SAY_

(11:04)  _idk how to do this_

(11:04)  _do you want some tips on how to cheat_

(11:04)  _it can't be that hard_

(11:05) NDISIAXJAXHJSXHHSHDJSJSJS

(11:05) IM GOOD THSNKS

(11:05)  _go to sleep_

(11:05)  _so at least you dont start snoozing in the middle of the test_

(11:06) ok but say goodnight for good luck

(11:06)  _no_

(11:06) damn

(11:07) alright

(11:07) goodnight

 

(11:42)  _goodnight_

(11:42)  _n good luck_

(11:42)  _i guess_

 

Monday AM

(6:58) i honestly am freaking out so much rn abt ^^ but i need to revise so ill save the spam for later

(6:58) oh n good luck to u too :')

(6:58) holding myself back from sendinn 700 texts is so hard

(7:04)  _hhhh whatever_

 

(10:11) hey!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(10:11) i think

(10:11) i didnt totally fuck that up

(10:11) how unbelievable is that

(10:12) this girl started crying in the middle of the exam n it was rly sad n i wanted to give her a hug but also. fucking mood

(10:46)  _are you sure that girl wasnt you_

(10:46) im sure

(10:46) i think

(10:47) but!

(10:47) how was ur exam!

(10:48)  _pretty good_

(10:48) im not sure whether ur 'pretty good' is the same as mine

(10:48)  _what's your pretty good_

(10:48) like a good 75%

(10:48)  _definitely not the same_

(10:48)  _i have to get to class_

(10:48) hv fun !

 

Monday PM

(3:00)  _so_

(3:00)  _you didn't fail_

(3:16) damn fuckin right i didnt!!!!

(3:16) but i mean literatures pretty easy

(3:16) i could still do terribly in the others

(3:17)  _you could_

(3:17)  _you won't_

(3:17) OH

(3:17) alright then

(3:17) so

(3:17) you didnt fail either

(3:18)  _damn fucking right i didn't_

(3:18) no its fuckin not fuckinrg ur ruining it

(3:18)  _i will not ruin my_ _spelling_ _to satisfy your obsession with making everything into a meme_

(3:19) FUCKSUUDKSTXOAJ

(3:19) YIU HAD  TO CALL ME OUTN LIEK THAT WTF THE FUCK

(3:19) SIMONV SNOW FOUND DEAD IN MIAMI

(3:20)  _just_

(3:20)  _enough_

(3:20)  _please_

(3:20) omg

(3:20) did i fuckingn break u

(3:20)  _you can't break what's already broken_

(3:20) ok 1. yes u can

(3:20) n 2. we get it goth emo edgelord

(3:21)  _you're slandering me like this_

(3:21)  _in my own home_

(3:21) yea

(3:21)  _okay i was just checking have at it_

(3:21) maybe later i need to go study

(3:21) i hav my history exam tmrw n im 98% sure its not gonna go as well as literature

(3:22)  _i've got calculus do you wanna switch_

(3:22) id fail either so sure why not

 

(7:37) im so bored n also dying

(7:37) honestly all these dumbasses couldnt just talk their problems out..

(7:37) they jus t had to pull out some fucking canons n assassinate each other didnt they

(7:37) im glad theyre dead

(7:37) also kinda jealous

(7:38) hope ur havingn fun studyung

 

(9:58)  _hey_

(10:00) hey

(10:00) wyd

(10:00)  _about to have a breakdown_

(10:00)  _wby_

(10:01) in the middle of a breakdown

(10:01)  _nice_

(10:01) yeah

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> can we all agree to pretend i didnt not update for two months only to finally post this garbage thatd be so nice i really appreciate it thanks everyone


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> simon → normal  
> baz → italics  
> penelope → bold  
> agatha → underlined

Tuesday AM

(6:38) morning

(6:38) notice how i didnt say GOOD morning

(6:38) its because everything is garbage

(6:38) penelopes confiscating my phone for the rest of the school day

(6:39) something abt "paying attention during revision classes so i dont fail"

(6:39) personally dont know what thats abt

(7:01)  _i can't believe you made me read that at seven in the morning_

(7:01)  _and you ask why i hate you_

 

Tuesday PM

(3:04) what. the fuck

(3:04) i had to listen to my teachers? talk?

(3:04) people do this?

(3:32)  _you make me so sad_

(3:33) impossible ur emotionally dead

(3:33)  _about to be physically dead too_

(3:34) big mood

(3:34) oh yes!!!!!!! how was the exam

(3:34)  _pretty good_

(3:34) is that gonna be ur answer every time i ask

(3:35)  _probably so_

(3:36) if u cant tell im waiting for u to ask abt my exam

(3:36) WHCIH I FUCKINGN ACED

(3:36)  _someone's impatient_

(3:37) u werent gonna ask me anyway

(3:37)  _you didn't know that_

(3:37) pretty sure i did

(3:37)  _pretty sure you didn't_

(3:38) no im pretty sure i did

(3:38)  _fine_

(3:38)  _how'd you do on your exam?_

(3:39) what

(3:39) no u cant do that

(3:39) thats cheating

(3:39)  _lmao_ _because im known to be a man of integrity_

(3:40) i hate u

(3:40)  _dully noted_

(3:40) i was gonna bring up studying as an excuse to not talk to u anymore but we both know thats not gonna happen

(3:41)  _your inadequacy is also dully noted_

(3:42) ALRIGHT THATS IT CHEMISTRY HERE I COME

(3:42)  _chemistry sweetie i am so sorry_

 

(5:49)  _so_

(5:49)  _you have chemistry tomorrow?_

(5:52) what are u doing....

(5:52)  _what_

(5:52) ur like....texting me..first

(5:53)  _fine fuck you asshole_

(5:53) BIGDHXSHSJSKS WHAT

(5:53) I DIDNT EVEN SAY ANYTHITN BAD

(5:53)  _incorrect_

(5:53)  _everything you say is categorized as bad_

(5:54) fjdjdjskn fuck offffff

(5:54)  _loving the profound dialect today_

(5:54) also no i dont have an exam tomorrow

(5:55)  _wow... no exam and you were still studying?_

(5:55)  _impressive_

(5:55) really!!!!!!! :o

(5:56)  _no._

(5:56) u know what

(5:56) ur not a nice person

(5:56) yea rhats right i said it

(5:56)  _shocking discovery_

(5:57) r u waiting for me to ask u abt ur exam

(5:58)  _no_

(5:59) fine

(6:04) so what exam do u have tomrorw

(6:06)  _you have the willpower of a lemming_

(6:06) jokes on u cuz idk what a lemming is

(6:06)  _i dont think you understand the concept of 'jokes on you'_

(6:07) all this cuz u dont wanna talk abt ur exam

(6:07)  _literature_

(6:07) :)

(6:07)  _now piss off_

(6:07) :(

(6:07)  _stop_

(6:07) cuz u dont like seeing me sad? :D

(6:08)  _because youre awfully irritating_

(6:09) yea that makes more sense

 

(8:30) i hate science

(8:42) literally who gives two shits abt

(8:42) idk fucking ions n shit

(8:47)  _fucking ions and shit_

(8:47)  _i can see someones planning on getting an A_

(8:51) pffffttttt

(8:51) if i pass its a miracle

(8:52)  _you said that about the other exams and you did well_

(8:52) but this is SCIENCE

(8:52) it makes ZERO SENSE

(8:52) like the other subjects r also gross but at least i can read two sentences without getting cross eyed

(8:53)  _honestly i dont think you're allowed to declare what makes sense and what doesnt_

(8:53)  _not when it takes me a good four to five minutes to understand your typos_

(8:54) hehsjshshshsh

(8:54) ok fitst of all

(8:54) theyre not that bad

(8:55)  _i was gonna say debatable but it isnt_

(8:55)  _they are that bad they just are_

(8:55) shut up ur literlaly just a drama queen

(8:56)  _can we just take a second_

(8:56)  _to talk about the fact that you've never once spelled literally correctly_

(8:56) NO ONE SPELLS LITWTLALLY CORRECTLY EXCEPT U

(8:56)  _no one spells literally incorrectly except you_

(8:57) guess were gonna have to agree to disagree

(8:57)  _no_

(8:57)  _im right and the sooner you accept that the better_

(8:57) im just

(8:57) ur so

(8:57) whyr u like thus

(8:59)  _alright this conversations over im gonna go revise_

(9:00) yes yes i too will go...

(9:00) fucking study

(9:00) i didnt even say that out loud n it left a bad taste in my mouth

 

(11:03) hey have u evr killed anyone

(11:08)  _yeah_

(11:09) nice

(11:09) would u be opposed to killing more people

(11:09)  _is more people code for you_

(11:10) yeah

(11:10)  _no i would not be opposed to killing you_

(11:10) phew

(11:10) soon please

(11:11) omgn make a wish

(11:11)  _we've been over this before no_

(11:11) ughgffgggghh fine

(11:13) goodnightnt

(11:15)  _if you'd spelled it correctly i wouldve said it back_

(11:16) liar.....

(11:16)  _guess we'll never know_

(11:19) goodnight

(11:19)  _no you missed your chance_

(11:19) U WERENT GONAN SAY IT BACK IN THE FIRST PLACE

(11:19)  _or was i_

(11:19) no????

 

Wednesday AM

(7:03) good mornig

(7:03) n good luckb

(7:12)  _thanks_

(7:21) omg.....

(7:21) ong

(7:21) u just really v

(7:21) wow

(7:21) thts so cute ur welcome

(7:22) woudl u mind if i took a screenshot

(7:22) nrvmdn i already did

(7:23)  _im trying to revise shithead_

(7:23) RIGHT RIGHT IM SORRY GO AHEAD

 

Wednesday PM

(2:57) r u still revising haha

(3:04)  _tell me you didn't really just send haha_

(3:04)  _you, like, really typed it out and thought it was a good idea to send it_

(3:06) i understand ur anger n im sorry

(3:06) that was messed up even for me

(3:07) so yes! how was the exam

(3:08)  _pretty good_

(3:08) UGHSHSHSHHGGGHSHHHHHHH

(3:08) WHAG DOES THAT EVEN MEAN

(3:08)  _look i know your english isnt that great but id assume you know what pretty good means_

(3:09) definitions change when it comes to u

(3:09)  _mhmm_

(3:10) i c ant. believe i have to take an exam tomrorow

(3:10) i lived the life of a stress free man for one day n i just cant go back

(3:11)  _stress free? you were shit talking science_

(3:11) science is a bitch i stand by what i said

(3:11)  _you're an idiot_

(3:12) im thinking abt sending this one reply but i feel like itd rly make u block my number

(3:12)  _oh_

(3:12)  _send it then_

(3:12)  _im ready for this nightmare to end_

(3:12) hhhh im not

(3:12) ur the only person i can text as a way to procrastinate

(3:13)  _wow_

(3:13)  _i know i joke about you not having an_ _y_ _friends but is it that bad_

(3:13)  _cannot say im surprised_

(3:13) STOPTPRP WHAT THE FUCK

(3:14) u r. an asshole

(3:14)  _that's been established yes_

(3:14) n also i HAVE FRIENDS THEYRE JUST STUDYING

(3:15)  _so am i most of the time but that doesn't stop you from annoying me_

(3:15) yes but see u actually reply

(3:15)  _if your friends dont reply to you i've got some news for you buddy they dont like you_

(3:15) agatha took a bullet for me once i think she likes me

(3:16)  _she....she what_

(3:16) ok so technically she accidentally walked in front of me as penelope was trying to squirt me with a water gun but i mean thats basically the same thing

(3:16)  _thats not........._

(3:16)  _how do i reply to this without making you cry_

(3:17) oh ive been crying since first period its fine

(3:17) also agatha used to literallyl date me i think she likes me

(3:18)  _youre friends with your ex? how does that work exactly_

(3:18) i mean

(3:18) its not as weird as it sounds

(3:18) we go out for crepes once every month

(3:18)  _fascinating_

(3:18) yeah

(3:20) so what exam do u have. tomorrow

(3:20)  _i dont have one_

(3:20) ok

(3:20) ur dead to me

(3:20) i have algebra AND geometry n u......

(3:20) unbelievable

(3:21)  _you are ridiculous_

(3:21) so ive heard

(3:21)  _you should really go study_

(3:21)  _i hear you have a lot to do_

(3:22) if we ever meet u cant be mad at me if i punch u

(3:22)  _i wouldnt do that if i were you_

(3:22) no?

(3:22)  _no_

(3:22)  _im pretty good with my hands_

(3:23) ARE U NOW

(3:23) ;)

(3:23)  _oh my fucking god no_

(3:23)  _i literally hate you so much never speak to me again_

(3:23) JDJDSKSKS UR THE ONE WHO SAID IT

(3:24)  _I MEANT IT AS IN I CAN BEAT YOU THE FUCK UP_

(3:24)  _and honestly i will_

(3:25) lmaoooooooooooo okkkkkk

(3:25)  _fuck you and goodbye_

(3:25) ok first of all its thank you and goodnight

(3:25)  _unlike you i have an organized sleeping schedule and cant nap any time anywhere_

(3:26) damn......do u have to drag me through the filth every time we talk

(3:26)  _some people?? are mean to you??? to cope???_

(3:26) GDHSJSJSJS

 

(10:47) ohnym god

(11:03)  _what_

(11:05) nothing i jsut wanted to start a conversation n i didnt know how

(11:05)  _i dont know if youve noticed but some people say hey or hello_

(11:06) hey????? hello???????? never heard those words before

(11:06)  _no wonder you have no friends_

(11:06) WEVE BEEN OEVR THIS I HAVE PLENTY OF FRIENDS

(11:07)  _sounds fake but okay_

(11:07) oh my god

(11:07)  _you dont need to do that again the conversations already started_

(11:07) no no its just that

(11:07) i read ur texts in a certain voice

(11:07) n what if it sounds nothing like your actual voice

(11:08) id have a meltdown

(11:08) WHAT IF U LOOK NOTHING LIKE I IMAGINED

(11:08)  _interesting_

(11:08)  _and what do i sound and look like in your head_

(11:09) idk like

(11:09) a biker with nerd glasses

(11:09)  _what the fuck_

(11:09) are u saying u DONT look like that

(11:09)  _yes? thats exactly what im saying?_

(11:10) great

(11:10) my entire life is a lie

(11:11)  _we've been talking for two weeks_

(11:11) DUDE MY ENTIRE LIFE IS A LIE

(11:11) what do u think i look like

(11:11)  _hard to say_

(11:11)  _i try not to think about you at all_

(11:12) emphasis on try

(11:12)  _emphasis on at all_

(11:12) come on just like one visual

(11:12)  _fine_

(11:12)  _kind of like_

(11:12)  _a human version of the_ _naked_ _mole rat from kim possible_

(11:13) that is

(11:13) accurate

(11:13) maybe like a mixture of rufus n ron

(11:13) ok maybe like

(11:14)  _i cant believe youre not offended i need to work harder_

(11:14) shut up

(11:14) yea ok like maybe rufus

(11:14) with rons hair

(11:14) but curlier

(11:15)  _did you actually describe yourself using a rat_

(11:15) should i not have

(11:16)  _if you need me to answer that youre even more of a catastrophe than i originally thought_

(11:16) im helping u draw a pic in ur mind

(11:17)  _the pictures making me want to bang my head against a wall_

(11:18) its doing its job then

(11:18) u should go to sleep

(11:19)  _you go to sleep asshole_

(11:19) IM LITERLALY TRYING TO HELP OUT

(11:19) I DONT WANT U TO DIE OF SLEEP DEPRIVATION

(11:19)  _what a surprising turn of events_

(11:19) truly

(11:20) goodnight

(11:20)  _mhmm_

(11:20) r u goinn to sleep

(11:20)  _none of your business_

(11:20) its a yes or no question pal

(11:21)  _yes_

(11:21) yes?

(11:21)  _yes_

(11:21) okay

 

Thursday AM

(7:04) hey good luck

(7:06)  _you're the one with the exams_

(7:06) oh right

(7:06) good luck to me then

(7:07)  _dont fail_

(7:07) great advice thanks

(7:07)  _no problem_

 

Thursday PM

(4:21)  _so_

(4:21)  _did you take my advice_

(4:26) well well well

(4:26) look whos chekcing in

(4:26)  _look who still doesnt know how to spell_

(4:27) ok let me take a second to just announce that i will never. learn how to spell

(4:27)  _technically you spelled all the words in that sentence correctly_

(4:27)  _its just the grammar thats completely horrid_

(4:27) yeah well take what u can get n go

(4:27) also since ur evevr so curious

(4:27) yes i took ur advice

(4:27) i think

(4:28) hopefully

(4:28) i mean

(4:28) algebra was ok n geometry wouldve been too if i hadnt forgotten i was in the middle of an exam

(4:28)  _what_

(4:28)  _what did you do how does someone forget theyre taking an exam_

(4:28) ok well

(4:28) i just like forgot there was a time limit n i stopped solving n started shading in the triangles n circles with my pencil

(4:28)  _oh my god_

(4:29) i managed to actually answer all the questions but also i invented new formulas for at least five of them

(4:29)  _oh my GOD_

(4:29) also my teacher reminded me of u

(4:29)  _im....okay?????_

(4:29) is this conversation unhinging u

(4:29)  _i want to say no but i cant_

(4:29) yea thats right i know what unhinging means

(4:29)  _i never said you didnt_

(4:30) but i know u were thinking it

(4:30)  _i really wasnt_

(4:30)  _unhinging isnt very impressive vocabulary_

(4:30) we get it u read the dictionary for fun we really get it

(4:30)  _shut up_

(4:30) ong look at me bullyjng u

(4:30) oh how the turn tables

(4:31)  _its well well well how the turntables you fucking fake_

(4:31) love getting u riled up over dumb shit

(4:31)  _dumb shit??? dont be disrespectful_

(4:31) AMAZING

(4:31)  _why did your teacher remind you of me_

(4:32) oh yes

(4:32) she was passing around u knwo looking at our failure n checking to see if anyone was cheating

(4:32) n obviously i was fuckign sweating even tho i wasnt cheating cuz the way she looks at u man....its fucking scary im not gonna lie

(4:32) ok n since i was looking suspicious she like stops beside me

(4:33) n im like ok here we go im gonna fucking get sent to the principals office im gonna get expelled n arrested n baz is gonna stop by my cell just to say i told u so

(4:33) n she looks at my paper n goes

(4:33) 'capitalize the s in simon'

(4:33) LIKE DHSJSJAJJAJA WHAT

(4:33) she made me go through all of that.... n for WHAT

(4:34) like this is ALGEBRA not ENGLISH CLASS

(4:34) so yeah ive found u a soulmate who will criticize my grammar with u

(4:35)  _alright well_

(4:35)  _that was fucking wild from start to finish_

(4:35)  _and also way too fucking long you need to lear_ _n_ _to get to the point faster_

(4:35)  _like alright we understand you were about to shit your pants but can you get to the end already_

(4:36) is there anything abt me or anything i do that u actually like

(4:36)  _yeah?_

(4:36)  _you know when you go to sleep? best part of my day_

(4:36) i mean u go to sleep at the same time as me all the time but if u enjoy those three seconds away from me who am i to deprive u of that

(4:36) i have chemistry tomorrow i need to go finsih up

(4:37)  _i can't wait till you come screaming to me about science in a few hours_

(4:37) aha! another thing u like abt me

(4:37)  _theres a difference between being amused by something and liking it_

(4:37) no i dont think thats correct

(4:38) so...no exam tomorrow either??

(4:38)  _no i have french_

(4:38) :o

(4:38) u take french? r u any good at it

(4:38)  _fluent_

(4:38) omg........cool

(4:39) so english n french

(4:39) thats

(4:39)  _cool?_

(4:39) yes

(4:39)  _stop stalling go study_

(4:39) BUT

(4:39) chemistry......gross

(4:40)  _but consider this_

(4:40)  _you.....also gross_

(4:40)  _perfect match_

(4:40) hhhhhhh fuck you

(4:40) so yes how many languages do u speak

(4:40)  _quit stalling_

(4:41) ok answer the question n ill go

(4:41)  _you really know how to get a man to do what you want_

(4:41)  _four. the fifth ones a little rusty but ill get to it during break_

(4:41) HDKXJFJAKXJXJDM BTOCHCH WHAT TBE FCK

(4:41) FIVE ?????????????

(4:41) oh my god i dont even know english

(4:42) which five

(4:42)  _english, french, greek, latin, the fifths arabic_

(4:42) omg....im such a failure

(4:42)  _glad you've become aware of thi_ _s_

(4:42)  _now go study_

(4:42) fine but

(4:42) woah

 

(8:59) my textbook is so heavy i think if i get penelope to hit me with it i wont have to do the exam

(9:03)  _if penelope is up to the task tell her thanks for me before you pass out_

(9:04) will do

 

(10:35) im gonma fail so bad

(10:46)  _did you study_

(10:47) yes

(10:47)  _well then what else can you do_

(10:47) ur awful at this

(10:47)  _no one told you to text me_

(10:47) no ur awful at this but i like talking to u

(10:49)  _whatever_

(10:49) :)

(10:49)  _shut up_

(10:49) i sent a SMILEY FACE

(10:49)  _yes and it was disgusting to look at_

(10:49) someone gets passive aggressive when ppl r nice to them

(10:50)  _im not being passive aggressive_

(10:50) sounds like something a passive aggressive person would say

(10:50)  _can we focus on the fact that youre failing_

(10:50) ok that isnt even passive aggressive thats just aggressive

(10:53) is french going ok

(10:53)  _im fluent i dont really need to study french_

(10:53) ok

(11:05)  _youve been cramming all day youre not gonna fail_

(11:06) what if i accidentally nap during the exam

(11:06)  _that sounds like a you problem_

(11:06)  _okay now i hear the passive aggressive undertone_

(11:06) undertone......pfft ok

(11:06) its the sleep deprivation

(11:06)  _no its the texting you_

(11:06) WOW

(11:07) _if i dont go to sleep right now im gonna make you hate me_

(11:07) aw its ok :) i already hate you!

(11:07)  _i was gonna apologize for being mean but now im not gonna_

(11:07) ur a real 5 yr old

(11:07)  _how do i become a fake 5 year old_

(11:08) ok yea go to sleep

(11:08)  _yeah_

(11:08)  _dont stay up too late_

(11:08) omg r u worried abt me

(11:08)  _you could drop dead and id smile_

(11:08) ok whatevrr u say

(11:08) goodnight :)

 

Friday AM

(3:01) wake up

(3:01) i mean dont cuz u have to be up early n u already dont sleep eneough but wake up

(3:02) ughshhhhgghh

(3:02) shoudl i just pull an all nightern

(3:02) i can sleep after school

(3:02) n then i can study for the other exams on saturday n sunday right

(3:02) that soukds like a good plan

(3:02) im amazing

(3:02) no one would even know ur the genius in this duo

(3:04) wake ip n yell at me for calling us a duo

(3:04) or like correct. my spellig

(3:04) idk just wake up

 

(5:37) im gonna chemisTRY not to fail

(5:37) dhdhdhdhdd im so funny shut ip

 

(7:21)  _you are a dumbass_

(7:21)  _good luck_

(7:21)  _on the exam_

(7:21)  _dont nap_

(7:21)  _if you pull an all nighter again i will come to your house and i will knock you the fuck out_

(7:24)  _not in an im concerned way but in an i fucking hate you_ _for spamming me at 3am_ _way_

 

Friday PM

(3:10) u say u hate me so often people who didnt know any better would think u actually mean it

(3:13)  _i do mean it_

(3:13) lmaoo okay

(3:14)  _shut up_

(3:14)  _howd it go_

(3:14) uh

(3:14) i was pretty confident with my answrs during the actual exam n then ppl discussed the answers n i was like ..........whomstdve

(3:14) but i probably didnt fail

(3:14) i mean

(3:15) maybe

(3:15) but im sure i didnt

(3:15) i think

(3:15)  _im sure i can get my dad to threaten them into giving you an A_

(3:15) thats so nice but ill settle for the grade i get

(3:15) id ask abt french but i know u did pretty good

(3:16)  _okay but if you change your mind im sure i can convince him_

(3:16) lemme sleep on it n ill give u an answer

(3:16) im fucking exhausted goodnight

(3:16)  _are we talking a twenty minute nap or a six hour nap_

(3:16) im thinking more like

(3:16) a good eleven hours

(3:17)  _sleep well_

(3:17)  _by well i mean forever_

(3:17)  _dont wake up_

(3:17) mhmm gn

 

(8:29)  _someones fucking screaming about pie outside_

(8:29)  _is that you_

 

Saturday AM

(1:48) ah good morning the sun looks beautiful

(1:54)  _everyday i become more and more convinced that youre on something_

(1:56) why r u awake what teh fuck

(1:56) were u waiting for me ;)

(1:57)  _dont flatter yourself i was studying and_ _i didnt realize it was getting late_

(1:57) oh yes i too sometimes have so much fun studying that i do it for hours on hours

(1:57)  _some of us actually enjoy learning_

(1:57) ok yall need a night out cuz thats just sad

(1:57)  _you woke up at 2 in the morning and youre telling me im sad?_

(1:58) we all do things we arent proud of during exam week

(1:58) like last year i had a breakdown at the library n this lady tried to help n i called her the devil

(1:58)  _thats funny because youre satan himself_

(1:58) mhm maybe like a reincarnation

(1:58)  _poor lady must've been horrified_

(1:59) she was i felt so bad

(1:59) u know after i slept for the first time in three days

(1:59) i wouldve looked for her to apologize but i feel like seeing me once was already too traumatizing for her

(2:00)  _seeing you would be traumatizing for anyone_

(2:00)  _even if you werent calling them the devil_

(2:00) as much as i love listening to u insult me

(2:00) u should probably go to sleep

(2:00)  _dont tell me what to do_

(2:00) im not telling u what to do im telling u what u should do

(2:01)  _how about instead of telling me what i should do you shove your phone up your ass_

(2:01) as much as the thought of anal penetration by my phone excites me

(2:01) im still tired n u still need to sleep

(2:01) also ur distracting me i need to start physics

(2:01) i could study for three weeks n id probably still get a shitty grade

(2:02)  _not a big fan of physics either?_

(2:02) ok listen its biology >>>>> chemistry > physics

(2:02) now go

(2:02)  _fine_

(2:02)  _talking to you isnt very exhilarating anyway_

(2:03) yeah yeah ok text me when u wake up

(2:03)  _dont tell me what to do_

(2:03) UGHTHHHH U R IMPOSSIBLE

 

(10:48) r u still not awake

(10:49) i think uve had enough sleep 

 

Saturday PM

(12:03) ok now ur just lazy

(12:04) its noon baz

 

(2:38) i told you to get a nights sleep not slip into a fucking coma

(2:38) who sleeps for this long whats wrong with u

 

(4:01) DUDE

(4:01) WHAT THE FUCK

 

(5:10)  _that is not the correct reaction to someone slipping into a coma_

(5:11) it is when its u

(5:11) did u really sleep for 14 hrs

(5:11) cuz if u did

(5:11) i respect that

(5:11)  _of course not_

(5:11)  _who do you think i am? you?_

(5:12)  _i was with my friends_

(5:12) wow n u couldnt text me to let me knw u werent dead

(5:12)  _sorry mum perhaps next time_

(5:12) ok well i jsut wanted to make sure u were still alive goodnight

(5:12)  _its five in the afternoon_

(5:12) did i mcfuckin ask

 

Sunday AM

(2:01) good morning

(2:01) ok this whole new sleeping routine of mine isnt working i dont get to annoy u for as many hours as usual

(2:02) two more exams i can do this

(2:02) hopefully

 

(10:36)  _two?? fuck you i have three_

(11:01) god can see im struggling n hes tryign to save me from myself

(11:01)  _wish he wouldnt_

(11:04)  _so_

(11:04)  _have you figured out what youre doing this break_

(11:06) yea?

(11:07) im fcking sleeping is what im doing

(11:08)  _okay_

(11:08) o....kay???? are u not gonna make a comment about me being useless n lazy

(11:09) are u sick or something

(11:10)  _or something_

 

Sunday PM

(3:47)  _do you not have any siblings_

(4:10) mhm no

(4:15)  _an only child... explains a lot_

(4:16) fuck you

(4:16) also ur the oldest of five so that explains a lot as well

(4:16) no wonder ur so bossy

(4:18)  _of all the words you could choose to describe me you use bossy_

(4:19) do u have any suggestions

(4:21)  _intelligent, handsome, brilliant, charming, witty_

(4:21)  _those are just a few examples i have more if you want_

(4:22) CHARMING I CANT BREHATHE

(4:22) also i cnat rly call u handsome if idk what u look like

(4:25)  _take my word for it i am the most attractive person i know_

(4:26) add arrogant to that list of adjectives

(4:26)  _rightfully so_

(4:27) shut up

(4:27) isnt it weird u dont know what i look like

(4:27) like i understand me not being curious or cautious cuz i have no sense of self preservation but id think ud be more careful than that

(4:29) like how do u know im genuinely not a creep

(4:32)  _i dont_

(4:33) ok well dont u want to know

(4:33) if ud just ask id send u a picture

(4:34)  _it you insist then fine_

(4:36) Image sent.

(4:43)  _youre not a 70 year old how_ _nice_

(4:43)  _nothing i didnt know_

(4:45) but how could u be SURE

(4:46)  _if anything i wouldve thought you were actually younger than you said_

(4:46)  _no self respecting adult would ever type like that_

(4:47) how fucking dare u insinuate that i have any self respect

(4:49)  _wait_

(4:49)  _do you want a picture of me too?_

(4:50) is this what its like when people exchange nudes

(4:52)  _id imagine not_

(4:53) alright fine ill take a normal picture

(4:56)  _Image sent._

(4:56)  _this is so fucking weird_

(4:57) im trying to decide whether or not u look like a biker

(4:57)  _not_

(4:58) like a softer version of a biker

(4:59)  _dont call me soft ever again_

(4:59) i didnt call u soft i said softer version

(4:59)  _same fucking difference?_

(5:00) also im so disappointed where r ur glasses

(5:00)  _20/20 vision_

(5:00)  _sorry_

(5:02)  _you dont look like a naked mole rat_

(5:05) take that back

(5:06)  _you are the one person who would be offended by that_

(5:06) what if we accidentally run into each other

(5:07)  _id kill myself on the spot_

(5:09) SHUT UP UR SO EXTRA

(5:10)  _its not like you ever leave your house_

(5:10) false

(5:10) i just recently went grocery shopping

(5:11) it was actually a really bad idea to send me bc i only bought ice cream n ramen cups n gatorade

(5:13)  _that is the grossest combination ever i think im going to be sick_

(5:14) im not gonna eat them all at once wtf dude

(5:14) speaking of being sick

(5:14) im gonna go study

(5:17)  _how does that_

(5:17)  _you know what fine_

 

(7:58) simon

(8:00) what

(8:01) im bored

(8:01) study what the fuck

(8:02) i.....what

(8:02) since when is studying on ur agenda

(8:04) thats so disrespectful uh since forever

(8:04) im a dedicated student

(8:05) what about the time you marathoned the entire harry potter series the day before the chemistry final

(8:07) i dont remember that ever happening

(8:07) i do

(8:07) you sent me a hundred something seconds on sc of you crying when sirius died

(8:08) i also dont remember sirius ever dying n u are a fucking liar

(8:08) never talk to me again

(8:09) right im sorry i forgot hes alive n happily married

(8:10) thank u

(8:10) ive been studying for so long i think im really gonna start crying distract me

(8:10) um ok

(8:10) let me thinkg

(8:10) oh

(8:10) i know what baz looks like

(8:11) I SAID DISTRACT ME NOT GIVE ME A HEART ATTACK

(8:11) DID HE SEND A PCITURE

(8:11) OR DID YOU GUYS MEET

(8:11) U HAVE AN EXAM TOMORROW SIMON

(8:11) omg chill the fuck out

(8:11) tell me to chill out again and i will break your neck

(8:12) thatd be a good threat if i didnt have a physics exam tomorrow

(8:12) okay whatever anyway yes tell me

(8:12) he sent a pic

(8:12) BITCH!!!!!!!!! TF SHOW ME

(8:13) is that not really weird

(8:13) of course not

(8:13) were best friends youre inclined to send me the picture

(8:13) am i really tho

(8:13) yes!!!!!!

(8:13) is he cute

(8:14) i mean

(8:14) i guess

(8:14) thats not a good answer is he cute or not its a yes or no question simon

(8:14) yeah

(8:14) ok now you cant not send me the picture

(8:14) thats just plain creepy im not sending it

(8:16) Added new contact to the conversation.

(8:16) penelope

(8:16) baz and simon exchanged nudes

(8:16)  **i was planning on ignoring the texts but WHAT**

(8:16) WE DIDNT

(8:17) baz sent a pic and simon refuses to send it to me so obviously its a nude

(8:17)  **he what**

(8:17)  **simon are you gonna get us killed**

(8:17) no

(8:17) we were just making sure the other wasnt like 60

(8:17)  **i too need proof so i insist you send it to us**

(8:17) YES! THATS MY MF GIRL!

(8:18) is my word not enough

(8:18) no

(8:18)  **no**

(8:18) WOW

(8:18)  **how can we make sure youre safe if we cant see him**

(8:18)  **we need to make sure youre not in any danger**

(8:18)  **because we care about you**

(8:18) n not because u wanna see what he looks like?

(8:19)  **nope not at all i do not care**

(8:19) listen to ur mom simon

(8:19) why do u two always gang up on me

(8:19) n why do i always cave in

(8:19) Image sent.

(8:21) omg

(8:21) he IS attractive

(8:22)  **still dont trust him**

(8:22) bitchhc i do simon give me his number

(8:22) if you wont exchange nudes with him i will

(8:22) hhhhhhh

(8:22) do you think if i touch my finger to his jawline id get a cut

(8:22)  **arent we all supposed to be studying**

(8:22) YES WE R

(8:22) THANK U PENELOPE

(8:23)  **simon snow? excited to study?**

(8:23) baz's impact

(8:23) more like excited to end this conversation

(8:23) do u guys understand 12.4

(8:23)  **yes**

(8:23) THATS INCLUDED???

(8:23)  **sigh**

(8:23)  **both of you come over**

(8:24)  **its late you should probably stay the night too**

(8:24)  **pack clothes im not letting you borrow my underwear again**

(8:24) ONE FUCKING TIME

 

(8:30) hey

(8:37)  _hey_

(8:40)  _what do you want_

(8:41) nothing

(8:41) my friend thinks. ur cute

(8:43)  _can you blame them_

(8:43)  _im criminally good looking_

(8:44) are u not weirded out that i showed her the picture

(8:44)  _not really_

(8:44)  _should i be_

(8:45) i guess not

(8:46)  _do you want me to be mad?_

(8:46) no!!!!!!!!! never mind the amount of studying ive done is getting to my head

 

Monday AM

(7:22)  _good luck_

 

Monday PM

(4:05) i think i fucked that up but not to the point of failing so thats good enough for me

(4:05) i seriously need to sleep for a good couple of days

(4:06) howd u do?

(4:06) pretty good?

(4:20)  _pretty good_

(4:23) 420 pretty good

(4:24)  _why do you have to be like this_

(4:25) im sorry

(4:25)  _no_

(4:25)  _if you were sorry youd stop_

(4:26) its....i cant stop

(4:26)  _disgusting_

 

(10:48) goodnight

(10:48) can u believe my last exam is tomorrow

(10:48) i feel like im floating on a croissant

(10:55)  _you feel like youre fucking what_

(10:56) i said what i said

(10:57)  _you always say goodnight and then respond when i text you like ten minutes later_

(10:57)  _what is the truth_

(10:58) the truth is i cant wait till morning to read ur reply

(10:58) it isnt even voluntary like my phone buzzes n i almost fucking fall off my bed trying to reach it

(10:58) one time i actually did fall

(11:00)  _you fell and you didnt tell me?_

(11:00)  _why would you deprive me of that_

(11:00)  _i too wouldve been floating on a croissant_

(11:03) fhsjdhjdkdkd shut up

(11:05)  _i will never forgive you i hope you know that_

(11:05) the normal response wouldve been oh no simon are u alright did u get hurt

(11:06)  _actually i feel personally offended that you didnt_

(11:06) actually i bruised my shoulder

(11:06)  _now i really feel like im floating on a croissant_

(11:07) HSHSHJ STOP

(11:07) ok now im really going to sleep goodnight

(11:07)  _have a good last day_

(11:07) what

(11:07)  _wait_

(11:07)  _i didnt mean that_

(11:07) U DID

(11:07)  _i did not_

(11:08)  _i forgot i wasnt talking to someone i actually like_

(11:08) but u ARE

(11:08) u LIKE ME

(11:08) were FRIENDS

(11:08)  _you are a child and i do not and we are not_

(11:08)  _its appalling that you'd even suggest that_

(11:09) lmao okay!

(11:09)  _shut the fuck up arent you supposed to be sleeping_

(11:09) n now ur worried abt me not sleeping

(11:09) love this healthy supportive friendship

(11:09)  _i MEANT_

(11:09)  _arent you supposed to be sleeping as in leave me the fuck alone_

(11:10) alright sure

(11:10)  _i literally want you dead and six feet under_

(11:10) goodnight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay first of all sorry im awful at updating but this is literally considered early for me. second of all i have no idea how exams work in england like i tried to google it but i had no idea wtf was going on so were just gonna do things the way my school does ok fantastic. n also!!!!! thank u all so much for the kudos n the comments yall r so nice n cute n i love u


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